Maternity pants are fabulous and terrible for several reasons.
Terrible:
- They sag down because there is only an elastic band keeping them up. It's like trying to keep pants on an egg with a slightly stretchy ribbon. It just doesn't work. Gravity and the maternity pant are not friends.
- I mean. They're called MATERNITY PANTS. How much more frump can we get?
- I thought of several other reasons that maternity pants are terrible but I didn't include them here because I realized the issue is actually with the design of the maternity body rather than the maternity pant. But that pants on an egg illustration is pretty accurate and "It's a real problem, Tina."
Fabulous:
- Relief for the growing belly, even if it "grew" a couple inches in 30 minutes because of a big, delicious burrito.
- They are SO FAST to pull down in an emergency pee situation.
I can't even tell you how many times I've peed my pants a little bit since being pregnant on the first go around, the decline of continence since having that watermelon pass through my vagina, and now this pregnancy. It's like my muscles down there are on strike. I was less than excited when I recently had to make the switch from regular pants to maternity pants because of the things I loathe about maternity pants - and the fact that they're called maternity pants.
But then I had my first emergency pee - the kind were I had already peed a little because of a sneeze or a laugh or simply misjudging how full my bladder is and how serious my muscles were about their strike - and if I didn't get to the bathroom FAST it was all going to come out no matter how hard I crossed my legs. And MAN did those maternity pants earn their keep. I pulled those puppies down so fast it was as if they were pre-lubed. They slid down and BOOM I was hitting the pee target. Which is always inside the toilet bowl.
(Or really anywhere but the inside of my pants.)
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Sunday, May 15, 2016
22: Apple Sauce & Big News
I had a crazy dream. Here is that dream:
I was in Australia having some business meetings. I was meeting with a head honcho (who, in the dream, was played by a recurring character on Scandal) and he and his team were giving me a tour of their facility. We walked into one of their conference rooms which had a huge, beautiful views of their golf course. We were chatting and laughing - their socks were being charmed right off their feet by yours truly - AND THEN. I had the urge.
TO BREASTFEED.
This was weird because Emmett stopped breastfeeding at the end of last year. But I was desperate! I was surprised at this sudden biological urge, but I knew I had to get this stuff dispersed. Immediately. I crept around, "touring" a little side room on my own and then in my arms appeared my baby. I started breastfeeding, which was a relief.
But instead of breastmilk, out came apple sauce. Apple. Sauce. From my boob. My first thought was, "Oh shoot, the little baby shouldn't be having this, Emmett needs this. It's his favorite." Followed by, "Wtf is applesauce doing coming out of my body?!" Then I thought, "Well, it's all I've got so hopefully it'll work." And the baby gulped it down. I mean, who doesn't love apple sauce?
Okay, so I looked up the meaning of this, and since everything on the internet is true I think I'm really getting down to the root of it all. My search started very specific - "Dream meaning applesauce coming out of breasts" - I figured Google would take me more seriously if I said 'breasts.' That search wasn't terribly fruitful (pun intended) so I just looked up the meaning of breastfeeding and apple sauce, separately.
I learned that, according to www.whateverthewebsitewas.whatever, "To dream that you are lactating or that there is breast milk coming out of your own breasts suggests that you are thinking about motherhood." There's a lot of other weird stuff, too, like if you're a man and you are carrying milk in your breast, or are breastfeeding another man and all kinds of things (and the meanings are mostly financial things) - it's cray, but I digress.
And according to www.otherwebsites.otherstuff, "To dream of applesauce can mean that you will experience happiness in an unexpected way. It could also signify your happiness has changed." And, "applesauce means favor that is displayed in a less rewarding manner, i.e. flattery."
It's true that I am thinking about motherhood, and I am experiencing happiness in a new way, and I am favored in a less rewarding manner (i.e. incontinence) - because, I'm pregnant. There's a baby in this uterus. Growing. Like a parasite. This dream confirmed that, YES, Meg, you will be doing this ALL OVER AGAIN. (Couldn't be happier about it, btw.)
I was in Australia having some business meetings. I was meeting with a head honcho (who, in the dream, was played by a recurring character on Scandal) and he and his team were giving me a tour of their facility. We walked into one of their conference rooms which had a huge, beautiful views of their golf course. We were chatting and laughing - their socks were being charmed right off their feet by yours truly - AND THEN. I had the urge.
TO BREASTFEED.
This was weird because Emmett stopped breastfeeding at the end of last year. But I was desperate! I was surprised at this sudden biological urge, but I knew I had to get this stuff dispersed. Immediately. I crept around, "touring" a little side room on my own and then in my arms appeared my baby. I started breastfeeding, which was a relief.
But instead of breastmilk, out came apple sauce. Apple. Sauce. From my boob. My first thought was, "Oh shoot, the little baby shouldn't be having this, Emmett needs this. It's his favorite." Followed by, "Wtf is applesauce doing coming out of my body?!" Then I thought, "Well, it's all I've got so hopefully it'll work." And the baby gulped it down. I mean, who doesn't love apple sauce?
Okay, so I looked up the meaning of this, and since everything on the internet is true I think I'm really getting down to the root of it all. My search started very specific - "Dream meaning applesauce coming out of breasts" - I figured Google would take me more seriously if I said 'breasts.' That search wasn't terribly fruitful (pun intended) so I just looked up the meaning of breastfeeding and apple sauce, separately.
I learned that, according to www.whateverthewebsitewas.whatever, "To dream that you are lactating or that there is breast milk coming out of your own breasts suggests that you are thinking about motherhood." There's a lot of other weird stuff, too, like if you're a man and you are carrying milk in your breast, or are breastfeeding another man and all kinds of things (and the meanings are mostly financial things) - it's cray, but I digress.
And according to www.otherwebsites.otherstuff, "To dream of applesauce can mean that you will experience happiness in an unexpected way. It could also signify your happiness has changed." And, "applesauce means favor that is displayed in a less rewarding manner, i.e. flattery."
It's true that I am thinking about motherhood, and I am experiencing happiness in a new way, and I am favored in a less rewarding manner (i.e. incontinence) - because, I'm pregnant. There's a baby in this uterus. Growing. Like a parasite. This dream confirmed that, YES, Meg, you will be doing this ALL OVER AGAIN. (Couldn't be happier about it, btw.)
Also confirmed: the next several posts will include facts and thoughts about pregnancy. And people. And people being weird and hilarious about pregnancy. And relationships. And the bud. Ima lay it all out there because WOW. Growing a human is WOW. I'll try to keep it interesting for all the people of the world, not just those with uteruses. But if you have a uterus then WOW. That is one freak of an organ.
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