42. Because it's real.

I'm eating every single emotion of this pregnancy.

Every.

Single.

One.

.
.
.
.
.

LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING AND PREGNANT AND SHUT YO' MOUTH AND THOUGHTS BECAUSE I CAN HEAR YOU.

41 and counting

Let's talk about the Duggars. The Duggers are a family with two parents and NINETEEN CHILDREN. They have a reality show, naturally, which started out as "17 and Counting" (I think) and it went up from there each time they made a person.

Two things. Just two of one hundred thousand thoughts and questions I have about baring children non-stop.

1. How the hell do they remember all their names? Really. And they all start with the same letter! I don't know all the names but I've heard some and I'm like MMMMMMMM nah. That's a stretch. Just assign them a number.

2. I get that when you have two, three, four, five, six kids that a parents' love does not get divided but multiplies. But when you're talking twelve, thirteen, fourteen AND MORE kids, when are you like, "Okay, hi baby, welcome to The System." And sure, care for them and treat them with respect and everything. But does a parents' love truly expand to NINETEEN?!?!?!

... asking for a judgmental friend ...

40! Wait a sec.

Is it really called menopause? MEN-o-pause? I know it's like latin or something, but were there really no other versions of the root words that could be used?

Maybe it's ironically accurate - something about men taking pause. There's a joke or a proverb in there somewhere.

It's already so annoying when a man, referring to him and his pregnant partner, say "We're pregnant!"

No, baby cakes, only ONE person is pregnant. And if that person is me, then I'll probably never let Wayne hear the end of it.

For the record, Wayne doesn't say "we" are pregnant. He's a wise, wise man. But there are enough other things about pregnancy, labor, birth, recovery, and breastfeeding for me to discuss [rationally, always] for the rest of time so he could literally never hear the end of it. Good thing he says he's always so interested in this stuff! (Just. Kidding.)

39 - All about dat gas

With pregnancy comes gas. The kind that passes through one's ass. During this, my second pregnancy, I care EVEN LESS about being courteous - or whatever - about this side effect. Sometimes it's controllable, but many times it's not! It's just a thing. Everything is squished in there and the clinch & hold is not eeeeven happening right now. I'm having a hard enough time keeping pee inside of me.

I could regale you with stories of 'tooting' in public but for some reason I'm feeling shy about it. Hehe. So just give a pregnant lady a break - that's all I have to say about that.

Except for this one thing, which is to say that my backup plan in any scenario in which I don't want to own up to a fart is to blame it on Emmett.

#38

As if it weren't enough that I'm sacrificing my body and basically my entire existence for the sake of growing this new person - my BRAIN is affected, too. Studies show that late in pregnancy a pregnant person's brain can shrink between 4-8% (sited at thatstudythatcameupongoogle.com by That Person Who Wrote the Article). THAT IS SERIOUS!!! And I. Am. Feeling it.

At my OB's office recently I was filling out some pre-admission paperwork (for when I get admitted to the hospital to GIVE BIRTH, no big deal). I was using a clipboard. That was difficult because do I awkwardly put the clipboard on my "lap" that barely exists anymore (#bump) or do I even more awkwardly use my bulging torso as a table?. I really had no choice but to do the latter. As much as I hated it.

I went up to the window to return the paperwork and clipboard. As I approached the window I extended the clipboard out to pass it through to the lady behind the desk and *CLUNK/RATTLE/BOOM* I ran that clipboard right into the window. I could have sworn that thing was open! No. It was closed. All the ladies in the office started laughing (as did I, because WOW) and one of them said, "I'm only laughing because it's YOU!" Which I decided to take as an endearing nod of friendship. Taking it any other way would be too damn embarrassing.

And I mean for reals, the waiting room was SO QUIET and everyone was a little on edge because our doc was running 45-60mins behind that day and BOOM I run into the window. I guess I have a knack for cutting the tension. With a clipboard. :\

(At least it didn't shatter, or even crack. Whew.)

37. That moment. That thing.

That moment when you squeeze through a partially open door by turning to your side and doing a little shimmy. #nailedit

That moment when you turn to your side but you still don't fit, then suck it and tuck it and barely squeeze through the partially open door, but made it. #babybump

That moment when you turn to the side, your belly hits the door like OOPS (but really you're thinking, wtf?, as you bounce off the door, surprised at how hard your bump is). No way you're gonna fit, so you walk through the opening belly-first holding your shoulders up to make yourself a little more narrow. THIS IS THAT THING. When your side-to-side measurement is smaller than your front-to-back measurement and turning to the side to squeeze through places is no longer an option for you. #HUGEROCKBELLY #squeezingthroughacrowdedrestaurantisespeciallybad #headsarebellyheight