21. A wedgie.

Okay you guys. This is real life wedgie stuff. The stuff of wedgie nightmares!

I wore some undies the other day that kept riding up on my left butt cheek. OKAY?! This is a post about a wedgie so we are GOING THERE, people. It was the left butt cheek.

I went for a walk that afternoon, as usual. When I go for walks with the bud I always listen to podcasts. I've got earbuds in for my listening pleasure so I can't hear people walking or running up from behind me very well.

You can see where this is going!!!!

While walking the undies were out of control. I couldn't handle it! I looked around, waited a bit - then made my move. I shifted the left side back into place and ahhhh, my butt was so grateful.

Not two minutes later, the undies were up to their slippery ways. I had to honor my original effort and let those undies know who's boss.

I shifted them again. YES! Felt so good.

Then, a couple minutes after my second HUGE UNDERWEAR ADJUSTMENT (i.e. butt-pick) I hear the wheels of a stroller behind me. I whip my head around in horror and there he is. A dad with an infant not two feet behind me.  The look on his face... OMG. He saw BOTH picks. He had to. He was clearly maneuvering to pass me... because who wants to follow...a butt-picker?! UUUUGH. Those undies are OUTTA HERE.

20! A date night.

Wayne and I had a real date night this week! A real one, without a toddler, or a stroller, or a carseat. There were snacks, though, because I always have snacks.

I wanted to do something we can't do when we have the bud with us. We can go out to eat with the bud (to some places) and go for drives (this is actually one of our favorite things to do, because we are both 80 years old on the inside).

But we cannot GO TO THE MOVIES!

I looked around at what's playing at which theaters, weighing the pros and cons of having to go somewhere besides the Hollywood Arclight (which is basically down the street from our place and a superior movie-going experience to almost any other theater). I watched some trailers, checked out some reviews.

Finally I had made the decision. I went out on a limb and bought tickets without checking with Wayne because I was certain this was the right movie for our grown-ups-only night out.

We saw.........ZOOTOPIA! And it was amazing!!!!! #skunkbuttrug

19: Farts

Occasionally the bud's farts sound like adult man farts and he'll look up at me and smile.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Numero 18

Sometimes when we go out with friends or to church or something like that, Emmett will be held by people other than Wayne or me. Emmett is quite the charmer so he loves this, we love this, and all who get to squeeze his little old man belly LOVE this. It's a real win-win-win - he gets to woo people, we get to socialize, and the world gets to gaze at those dreamy blue eyes of his (and smell his breath, if they're smart).

When we get him back from one of these excursions he usually picks up the perfume of at least one person. It's similar (but possibly more off-putting) than smelling another lady's fragrance wafting from my husband's jacket. It's weird to smell another woman's (or man's) fragrance on my tiny person. MY person. Like - what you be doin', child? Who you been with? As if he was sneaking off behind my back to get snuggles from someone else.

Spotlight: projecting irrational thoughts onto my innocent baby! Sorry, bud. Send me the bill for your counselor.

17

While I'm on the topic of the bud's "eating" habits...

Months ago, the three of us (Wayne, the bud, and me) were having a regular morning - wake up, breakfast, play time, get ready, Wayne and I tag-teaming the bud throughout.

Wayne was jetting out and I was almost done taming my bangs with the hair straightener in the bathroom. We hollered g'bye, and I was tagged in on supervising the bud.

Wayne was gone about 10 seconds when I heard him come back in the house - "What did you forget?" I said from the bathroom.

I heard Wayne say to Emmett, "What did you...??"

[I will pause here to explain that sometimes - rarely - Addy, our cat, will have a little dingleberry. You know... a little turd that doesn't quite release and gets stuck in the fur around her butt. It's gross and hilarious. But on this day it was EXTRA HILARIOUS because it turned into a snack for someone.]

"Emmett just ate poop!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I rushed into the living room where both the bud and Wayne looked equally stunned - Emmett stunned at Wayne for having such a reaction to this obviously delicious snack, and Wayne stunned by the poop on his finger that he had scooped out to investigate what in the heck was in Emmett's mouth.

I picked up the bud from under his armpits and carried him to the bathroom with my arms outstretched. He was smacking his lips a bit with a sly shit eating grin on his face - literally.

And how exactly do you clean poop out of a baby's mouth? Really. HOW. He doesn't know to spit it out, can't tell me if it's all out, is unable to brush his own teeth or use mouthwash or gurgle saltwater, etc.! So I scooped the rest of the *bigger*chunks* out with my finger, and use water and his toothbrush for the rest.

Emmett was very cooperative. He had already gotten what he wanted.

#16: The bud eats something with a warning about not eating that thing.

I was planning a trip to Target the other day and my husband asked if I could pick up some deodorant for him. If your local Target is the one on the corner of Santa Monica & LaBrea, then you know deodorant is a very important item to not forget when going to Target because:
 1. One must never be without deodorant
 2. Target is an additional stop - it's not part of a normal grocery run (which includes Trader Joe's only)
 3. As much as I LOVE Target, this particular location is kind of a pain in the ass because you have to park in the parking structure and you only get one free hour! Who can get in and out of Target in an hour? That leaves absolutely no time for browsing the $5 movies that I won't purchase or the end-of-the-aisle sale shelves with worthless items that I must see and touch (each and every one).

I wanted to make sure I got the correct flavor of deodorant (we've all made that mistake before) so my husband set out his nearly-gone stick for me on the bathroom counter.

Enter: the bud.

I was finishing getting dressed in the bedroom, then went into the bathroom to grab the deodorant stick. It wasn't there.

I followed the sound of silence to the living room where I found Emmett standing with the deodorant stick in one hand, the cap in the other, and a bewildered and satisfied look on his face as he rolled his tongue around in his mouth.

I went to him, bent down, and smelled his face. OCEAN BREEZE.

I wetted a washcloth and wiped his mouth out as much as possible, trying to get the just-showered-after-football-practice-going-to-meet-my-girlfriend-in-the-parking-lot smell off my baby. (Not that Wayne smells like that, but smelling Ocean Breeze on the bud gave me a flash of him in 15 years and I just wanted to sloooooow that down. Bye bye Ocean Breeze. Come back, baby breath!)

Fifteen!

I'd like to take you back to a time when I was still breastfeeding all day, everyday.

I was at Target, the bud in tow. I was there just a little too long and the vortex got me. You know the one. Where time and space stand still and you black out a little while roaming the aisles looking at coordinating bathroom sets and trying on shoes you don't need. Then the bud made a peep, reminding me I have a child, and it was time for a feeding.

I made my way to the women's restroom hoping for a chair or stool or something, anything, to sit on in the sanctity of a dude-free zone. Aaaaand nothing. I contemplated solutions - none of which are ideal - and I determined that sitting on a toilet is the best option.

This is a pretty logical thing - using a toilet as a chair. Right? But. Remember that this is a public restroom! Would you want to eat your lunch sitting on a Target toilet?? I did it anyway (sorry bud).

What I didn't expect was the serious vulnerability I would face by sitting on a toilet with my [maternity] pants on.  Have you ever sat on a toilet with your pants ON? The urge to pee was so fierce I had to hold a Kegel for 15 minutes straight.

Ladies - do not make this mistake. Do not succumb to the toilet-feed option. Next time I'll walk right up to the rocking chair floor models and give one a real test drive. If they're lucky I may even write a review.

14

Walking the bud around in the stroller is an interesting adventure, especially in Los Angeles - nay, HOLLYWOOD - where babies are a rarer sight than B-list celebrities. People are pretty curious about the babe riding around in that chariot. It was even more of an attraction when we were still using the carseat as the chair - that screams "THERE IS A TINY ADORABLE INFANT IN HERE!" and people would crane their necks to get one glimpse of his cheek pudge. I don't blame them. I do the same thing, especially now that I have a small human to compare and contrast to those I see strolling down the street. When I see one I go through the checklist in my mind:

- Approximate age of kid
- Cuteness level (in the face)
- Cuteness level (in the outfit)
- Would my kid want to be that kid's friend
- Who's pushing the stroller (Mom? Dad? Nanny?)
- Does that person still wear dirty shirts (see post #8)
- What kind of stroller is it and why do I think that person chose that stroller
- How big is the cargo basket
- ETCETERA

As you can see, there's a lot going on behind one little sun visor. So I get it, people want to sneak a peek.

However. Please do not stop me and force me to engage in a conversation if I am clearly on the move somewhere. Do not insist on saying so many words that if I do not take out my earbuds then I will be the rude one in this scenario.*

Here, I'll answer all the questions in advance in case you see me on the street and have the urge to stop and chat -
- 1.5yrs
- Off the charts adorable
- So cute that you can't even
- Yes, obviously
- What difference does it make (Mom)
- Sometimes
- A good one, because it's good (also the color of the sun visor is bomb-diggity)
- Huge, which is another reason for choosing it

And let me get back to my podcast in peace.

*free pass to all people under 5yrs old and over 75yrs old, especially those who primarily speak in a foreign language and do so in a baby-talk voice to the bud, who loves it (me too)