8

Before I had a kid I used to notice that a lot of moms wear dirty clothes. I would wonder - did that spot JUST get there? Or did you [more likely] put that shirt on knowing full well there is a baby marking on it!! I mean LADIES - can you just choose a different shirt? Grab something from the clean pile instead of the dirty pile?

So…

I have to ask forgiveness from every mother on the whole planet for ever having this judgement of mothers. I know now that, no, you cannot just 'choose a different shirt' because a mother (particularly a new-ish mother) only has two shirts that meet the criteria for public wearing:

     1) The shirt fits well (read: the shirt flatters - if you can call it that - my BELLY FATZZZ & ARM JIGGLEZZZ)
     2) The shirt is fashionable enough to wear out of the house (read: it's at least slightly above the fashion police's Frump cutoff and if it's a maternity top it's not noticeable to the naked eye)
     3) It is easy to nurse a Titty Sucker in this shirt (read: this shirt won't flash my boobies and midriff to all the world when nursing the Tiny in public. And I know what you're thinking. 'Can't you just use one of those nursing cover things?' Yes, you can, and you can also have that thing slip off a shoulder and, WHOOPS! There's a booby. Or it will get whipped open by the flailing arms and legs "hiding" underneath it and, WHOOPS! More booby. So please, for the love of all that's holy, dear Tiny, can you just get the blasted milks out of these hooters and let's move on because Mommy's got some escaping to do at Target OKAY).

Furthermore, the "Clean Pile" and the "Dirty Pile" have now become the "Willing to Wear Again Pile" and the "Can't Pretend This Isn't Dirty Anymore Pile." Struggle is real, people. At this point you might be thinking, 'Hey, why don't you treat yourself to some new clothes?' To which I would reply - YEAH RIGHT AND FIND OUT WHAT SIZE I REALLY AM? And also, OWN REAL CLOTHES IN THAT SIZE? No way, man. Mama's got some more stroller strides to take before she gets in that dressing room.

Don't even get me started on the mutha trucking PANTS!